Peer Support Groups: Dealing with a Dominating Group Member

Peer support groups, activity groups and even psychotherapy groups are vulnerable to members who aren’t able to participate well.  The most common challenge in terms of members who have trouble in groups, is the person who consistently tries to play a dominating role. 

 Sometimes this involves dominating in terms of time spent talking.  These members may take much more than their portion of the group’s  time, talking about themselves and their thoughts, feelings and actions.  In a peer support group, the amount of meeting time in which members are talking is usually distributed fairly evenly between members, at least over the course of several meetings. The ‘dominating member’ seems unaware that their behavior violates the basic assumption of equal sharing of attention and support.  They may be quick to start talking at the beginning of the group, quick to jump in to respond to others’ comments, and quick to change topics.  They may take up more than their share of the group’s time. 

 They may also dominate in the way they talk to the group.  Their comments may suggest that they know what everyone else should do, that they have already experienced what others are going through and may include advice that everyone should follow.  Regardless of whether their comments in fact include good advice, frequently telling other members what they should do is typically experienced as disrespect. 

 They may also try to dominate by creating a sense of hierarchy within the group, with them at the top.  Sometimes this takes the form of creating cliques.  Other times it takes the form of making comments that suggest that some group members have higher status than others, whether it is because of their seniority, the severity of the problems they’ve suffered, or some other characteristic that is used to give a false sense of status.

 The dominating member is a common barrier is self-help and activity groups.  In a national survey of book clubs, more than 5,000 group members were asked what they felt was the biggest challenge to their group.  The most common problem was the dominating member, reported by over a third of all group members (BookBrowse, 2019). 

 The dominant member can threaten the viability of the group.  I’ve seen a number of groups that failed because there was a very dominating member and the group facilitator and members did not take decisive action to change that member’s behavior. 

Responding to a dominating member is the responsibility of both the group and the facilitator.  If you are a facilitator, you want to be active and if necessary, very assertive with this member to help them be a better group participant.  If you are a group member, you will also want to be active in helping the group and the facilitator see this problem and take action. Assuming that the problem will resolve itself can be a dangerous mistake. Be ready to respond and be quick to seek consultation from any other support group leaders or experienced members that you know.

 You may want to think about why the “dominating member” may be acting this way.  There are several common reasons why people act like a “dominating voice”.  Some people feel a deep hunger for attention from others, and so jump to take advantage of the group meeting.  Often the person has poor insight into their behavior -- they do not keep track of how much time they are taking in the meeting, they do not recognize how others respond to their domination of the discussion.  Sometimes, the tendency to dominate the discussion reflects the person’s need to have some control in their lives, and an open discussion about problems that may not be solved triggers their feelings that life is not in control.  There is a third group who feels they need to assert their relative importance in any group of people they attend.  They look for ways to create a system of status that puts them at the top, as they don’t feel important if they can’t “prove” they are better than others.

 Regardless of their reason, the “dominating member needs to learn to (1) share time fairly evenly with other group members, (2) comment in a way that reflects respect for the autonomy  and individual experience of the other members, and (3) respect the equal value of everyone who is in the group.  Given the frequency of “the dominating voice”, you are likely to have to deal with these members, and so you want to become comfortable with strategies to help them become effective group members.

STRATEGY #1:  Helping the group balance the time used by members.  Whether you are a facilitator or group member, you can help the group remember that the time should be balanced and that they are responsible for this.  Comments like the following will help the group keep control or at least talk about this topic, and thus remind the dominating member that they should follow this direction.

·       “We’ve heard a lot from you tonight, John.  I wonder how others are doing.”

 ·       “How are we doing tonight as far as evenly sharing the discussion?  Does everyone feel they are getting a chance to be heard?”

STRATEGY #2:  If your comments are not enough to help the group balance the way time is allotted to members, you may want to encourage the group and/or the dominating member to talk more explicitly and openly about this.  Comments for strategy #2 are more assertive and so should be used after softer efforts have not succeeded.  Comments might include:

·       (To the dominating member) “Tyler, I’ve noticed that you have spoken more than anyone else for the last 3 meetings.  What do you think about that?

 ·       (To the group) “We’ve been talked about how a healthy group involves fairly balanced talking and sharing between most of the members.  Our recent meetings don’t seem to be balanced, with some members like Tyler speaking more often than others in every group.  I wonder how other members feel about this.  Does it have any impact on how you feel about coming to the group?”

STRATEGY #3:  Most people will respond to the comments made above.  Those who do not respond to suggestions from the facilitator and from other group members, may require even more assertive efforts, including you asking for an individual meeting with the member outside the group.  That will help protect the group and that member from a more difficult conversation.  It also underlines the seriousness of the problem and the group’s commitment to seeing it change.  If you are the facilitator, you will want to consult with any mentors or advisors you may have to help you formulate a response in these tricky situations.  You as a facilitator may want to consider making comments to the dominating member such as:

·       “Karen, I think we need to come to an agreement about how much you and other members talk.  I understand that you want to share a lot with the group, but for the sake of the other members, we need a clear way to ensure the time is shared more evenly.  Would you be willing to agree to limit your own comments to xxx% of the meeting time?”  The target you use is just to help this member change their behavior, and will depend on the size of the group.

 ·       “Karen, we’ve been talking for some time now about your tendency to dominate the group discussion.  Several members are very concerned that you’ve not changed this behavior despite their requests and my requests.  What do you think needs to happen in order for this to be corrected?”

 ·       “Karen, we’ve been talking about your tendency to dominate the group for some time now.  Several members are very concerned that you’ve not changed this behavior despite their requests and my requests.  Given all that we’ve tried in order fix this, I think it might be best if you take a break from attending the group for a while.  That would give the group a break, and could give you a chance to think about this issue.  If in the future, you feel more able to participate as a group member, you and I could sit down and talk about that.”

Whether you are a facilitator or a group member, you hold some  responsibility for the overall health of the group.  It could be that even the most careful efforts to work with a dominating member will lead to them leaving the group.  That is not an ideal outcome but if they can’t participate in the group is a collaborative way, their decision to leave may be the best strategy for them and for the group.

 Remember that peer support groups that are successful in creating a healthy supportive environment, are successful because of the efforts by the members and the facilitator.  Many groups find they have to deal with challenges such as a ‘dominating member’ in their efforts to build a healthy support group. With persistence and thoughtful effort, it can be done